Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
