Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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