Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
try to milk me bitch
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
