Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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