I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
