man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
