I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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