hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
