you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
There are leaves in my underwear?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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