Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
It all started with a game of naked twister.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
