life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
