she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i love accidental penises.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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