I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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