oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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