Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
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