What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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