I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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