Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
