im gay
i know
yea but for you.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
