Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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