What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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