I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
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