My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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