I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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