I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
