I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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