Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
