im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
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the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
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I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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