He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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