you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
