so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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