I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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