who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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