My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
