Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
