Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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