my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
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he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
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We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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