People in love make me want to vomit
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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