Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
