so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
