Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
