It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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