I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Dignity is for republicans.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
