if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
