Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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