Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
