I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
