I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
