does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
