Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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