my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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