oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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