You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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