my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
