I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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