Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
